Sex and Drugs

I want to say a lot. There is much history I want to cover on how and why I got to this point in my life. And as I start typing, I find that the topics are so intertwined that it is hard to separate and organize the coherently.

I would be lying if I said I started these pills only for pain. But ultimately pain is the reason why I continued.

Now I am looking back over this last weekend and some of the side effects to opiates.

First is my sex drive. It was not that I could not perform, it is that there was a complete absence of desire. It is as if the opiates fulfill all your needs and wants, leaving you with no desires, no needs, no wants. Or to be more specific, they satisfy all your needs and wants so that there is nothing left to satisfy.

As the opiates left my body this last weekend, and even in the depths of withdrawal, I found those desires returning. Then late Sunday night, I made love to my wife. Genuinely, I felt a desire and longing to be near her, to breather her breath, to touch her skin and taste her lips.

I miss that. I love her so much and although my sex drive was non-existent, my desire and love for her could not be replaced or taken away by any drug.

I know in the end, it is with that love that I will ultimately overcome my struggles and survive.

My doc said that the decreased sex drive could be due to stress and my work habits. Both are an integral part of my life and I do not know much else about how to spend my days other then at some form of productive activity. This usually means doing, or thinking work pretty much every waking and sleeping hour. My friends are work related, my family is work related and my wife and I work together. Work is what I am, and I usually take on too much and over-commit myself. I do not know if I would want it any other way.

Is this the cause of my diminished sex drive? Could be that I am aging and cannot multitask as well as I once could. It could also be a combination of factors. But a some things are definite.

1. I love my wife completely
2. The sex drive is affected by external influences, not a matter of the heart
3. I am not going to get any definitive answer to this anytime soon.