Sex and Drugs

I want to say a lot. There is much history I want to cover on how and why I got to this point in my life. And as I start typing, I find that the topics are so intertwined that it is hard to separate and organize the coherently.

I would be lying if I said I started these pills only for pain. But ultimately pain is the reason why I continued.

Now I am looking back over this last weekend and some of the side effects to opiates.

First is my sex drive. It was not that I could not perform, it is that there was a complete absence of desire. It is as if the opiates fulfill all your needs and wants, leaving you with no desires, no needs, no wants. Or to be more specific, they satisfy all your needs and wants so that there is nothing left to satisfy.

As the opiates left my body this last weekend, and even in the depths of withdrawal, I found those desires returning. Then late Sunday night, I made love to my wife. Genuinely, I felt a desire and longing to be near her, to breather her breath, to touch her skin and taste her lips.

I miss that. I love her so much and although my sex drive was non-existent, my desire and love for her could not be replaced or taken away by any drug.

I know in the end, it is with that love that I will ultimately overcome my struggles and survive.

My doc said that the decreased sex drive could be due to stress and my work habits. Both are an integral part of my life and I do not know much else about how to spend my days other then at some form of productive activity. This usually means doing, or thinking work pretty much every waking and sleeping hour. My friends are work related, my family is work related and my wife and I work together. Work is what I am, and I usually take on too much and over-commit myself. I do not know if I would want it any other way.

Is this the cause of my diminished sex drive? Could be that I am aging and cannot multitask as well as I once could. It could also be a combination of factors. But a some things are definite.

1. I love my wife completely
2. The sex drive is affected by external influences, not a matter of the heart
3. I am not going to get any definitive answer to this anytime soon.

73 Hours Later

So our superheros made it through another weekend. It was a tough weekend, and many hours were spent with insomnia, depression, anxiety, restless legs, and our old friend chronic pain. It was surprising how long each hour was. How each time I checked the clock, only 10 minutes passed when I was sure it was 40.

But time, as it so naturally does, it passes, slow and relentless and determined.

And now, just back from the pharmacy, I have taken the prescribed amount and wait. The next 30 minutes will be spent smoking cigarettes, drinking fruit juice and waiting for the pain to go away.

The rest of the withdrawal symptoms should dissipate as well, however I suspect that the diarrhea will continue for a bit longer. Not that I mind - when I was self medicating with alcohol to numb my body from the pain (or render me unconscious at the least), I seldom enjoyed a solid shit. So whether it is the runs or constipation... it can go either way. Don't matter to me.

Looking back, after I got the apples on Saturday, I was anxious and optimistic. I wanted so much to get some comfort, and to get some sleep, that by Sunday I was out again, and as each hour passed the pain and symptoms began to rear their ugly heads.

Ideally I would have just stayed in bed, but I had work to do and had to spend the afternoon with clients looking over contracts. I kept my ground, which was probably due to the 4 percs - referred to as "regulars" - that I found. They got me through my meetings, and even got me through my evening family dinner. That is until I made the mistake of playing "airplane" with my nieces and nephews.

The kids love me so much and they are so precious to me. One of the hardest things for me to deal with is not being able to play with the kids. The youngest boy always asks if my back is better yet. I know he is hoping that I will pick him up for "airplane" and hugs, and I usually do. I pick him up without thinking about the pain that is going to come on later when I get home. And after a night of tossing them around, my back was one big muscle spasm.

Thankfully, I managed to beg a few dollars to pick up a pill to get me over the pain and get me to sleep. I held my optimism for Monday.

As Monday woke up and carried on, I went to work and saw my clients. I was in pretty rough shape, but when it comes to work I am able to turn on auto pilot and get through the performance and even managed to get a pill late in the day.

Then realty hit me with a big fat fist: due to the new Family Day holiday, the banks were closed and my paycheck did not clear, leaving me with no money for my prescription.

Beg, Borrow or Steal. By Hook or by Crook. I found an old lottery ticket for $3, a bunch of change and after counting every last dine, I managed to get enough to fill half my prescription, which brings me to now.

Now. Now I can take a moment to look back on the last few days, and ask myself some serious questions about this current treatment for my back pain.

At my age, how do I feel about potentially using opiates for the rest of my life?
How will I feel about dependency in 3, 5 or 10 or 20 years?
Have I truly explored all options, western/eastern medicine, holistic, spiritual?

I am not ready to accept opiates as my only option and with some relief, I can now afford to be introspective.

What's Wrong?

Why am I using oxy?
I have several herniated discs due to a genetic condition in my spine, along with fybromyalgia and an undiagnosed inflammatory condition that causes pain in my back, ribs, hips, and wrists. These are aggravated by 12 years of repetitive strain from computer work, bad exercise habits and posture.

I have an inflammation in my neck that gives me amazing headaches and I have pain attacks that come without warning and can render me almost unconscious.

Basically I hurt a heck of a lot, most of the time.

Scarry Doctors

It is harder than you think, finding a doctor to prescribe these pills. Because of all the bad news we hear, and how strict they are regulated, combined with the addiction and tolerance that comes with it, it is increasingly harder to get a prescription.

The use and abuse of oxy by people looking for a high or to profit, ruins it for those who genuinely need it.

It was only when I had hit bottom self medicating with Alcohol and vast quantities of Tylenol 1's, did a doctor finally start me on a prescription. It was apparent that I was causing more damage to myself, mentally and physically, trying to cope with the pain on my own. And had I continued on this route, I would have either destroyed my liver and kidneys, declared bankruptcy, or lost my mind, or all of the above.

It is important to understand that medications such as Tylenol and Advil (without prejudice), effective as they are, are not meant for long term high dosage. They are designed to get rid of a headache, or ease a sprained ankle. Using them for more than a couple of weeks, and in my case, handfuls for over a year, can begin to impact your body in negative ways.

But doctors face closer scrutiny when it comes to opiates. They must keep details records, sign contracts with their patients on how the opiates are used and the lifestyle the patient leads. The patient must pass drug screens to make sure they are not taking other drugs. And a good doctor will require that a patient consults with him/her if for any increase, even if it is just one pill on one occasion.

Under close monitoring and regulation by a good qualified physician, opiates can have little to no side effects aside from dependence and tolerance. When all other options have been explored, opiates can help those who suffer from chronic pain lead a normal and healthy lifestyle, where they would otherwise be confined to isolation and poverty due to the lack if mobility.

But look at the left and see the news articles. They are all about the bad stuff that happens when opiates are abused and left to inexperienced individuals.

There are pros that can outweigh the cons of opiate use. And we must weight then accordingly and make sound judgments based on education and experience.

And Then I Saw Green

Just when we thought it was over for our superheros, they managed to find some cash.

How great it would be if cash would instantly turn into oxy, but finding the money is only the first in a long series of steps to pain relief in the black market.

I remember watching a movie called Candy, which was about a boyfriend and girlfriend hooked on heroine, or some type type. At a early point in the movie, the narrator says something like "for every 7 years as a junkie, 6 years are spent waiting," and how true how true how true that is.

I made the calls to my sources, and being 10:30 am, only one was awake. I was told to be there in ten minutes. The ten turned into twenty, then an hour and as usual, just as I was about to give up and go home, the delivery arrived.

After waiting for so many hours, the last ten minutes, driving home with my oxy 80 (referred to as "apples" on the street), seemed to be the longest ten minutes of my life.

And just in time too. No sooner did I take in half the Apple, did the stomach cramps begin with a vengeance, as I ran to the bathroom to flush out every ounce of substance from my bowels.

Cramps and the runs seem to be the most common symptom of withdrawal, and it took about 20 hours after my last pill to start. THis is the longest I ahve gone without a pill in 17 months.

Other symptoms I experienced through the night is insomnia and what is knows as restless leg syndrom.

If I could have slept the night away, it would ahve been easier. If I had something that would knock me out - Valium, Cough and Cold DM, or even some sleepeaze - then the night would have been bearable. But the insomnia forced me to stay awake throught the night while my restless legs made sure that I was quite uncomfortable - tossing, turning and kicking - all night long.

Restless legs, jimmy legs, kicking legs are not necessarily painful, but are very uncomfortable. It starts as a sensation in the lower back that makes you feel like you want to stretch your back and legs all the time. This sensation and desire to stretch makes your legs twitch and kick around.

This is the first symptom an the only way to get relief is to sleep it off, eat Tylenol 1's and apply heat. I had no Tylenol, so I ate my Robax and the maximum allowable anti-inflamm's. I put the heating pad on max, and snuggled up to my pillow, stretching, tensing,relaxing my legs and back until I fell into a light nap. How I would have loved some Valium, and I must remember to hide some for days like these.

I managed to doze off for a hour here and there until 10:30 am.

So with Saturday properly medicated, I now have 58 hours until I can refill my prescription.

This hurts.

Almost 18 hours since my last pill, and by now whatever was in my system is fast breaking down. As the meds dissipate from my body, it is becoming evident how bad in shape my body really is.

The pain starts in my ribs, and in my neck. Tight muscles that have been in spasm for the better part of a decade, and hard tissues that are so inflamed that it hurts to move. Heck, it hurts to lie down, or to sit. There is no comfortable position and I know that I will fall asleep in the next hour or so.

But I hate the mornings most. So much hurt! The kind of hurt that makes you want to lie down, but lying down is what causes the hurt. So all I can do is stand there, holding my sides and rocking back and forth trying to find a position that provides even a few minutes of relief.

This hurts. And it is going to get worse.
73 hours to go.